I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
