i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
