I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
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The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
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We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize