dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
