Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
