Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
