Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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