I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Randomize
