Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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