What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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