my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch