No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
19 People Confess The Worst Things They Have Been Accused Of
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?