I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Even my vagina gasped.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.