I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Even my vagina gasped.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.