I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
