Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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