You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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