Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
