Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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