What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
