i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
