I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
