This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
