we're chasing vodka with high fives
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
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