just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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