Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
