Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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