dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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