ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
The beer is more important than you right now.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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