After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
i came on her dog
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Everyone says I win the strip club
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
