These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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