i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
