Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
