I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
