Just fell off a train. Bad.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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