The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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