My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
