i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
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