I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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