he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
