There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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