last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
