Already got asked if we're dating
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
