Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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