im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Moan for me like Helen Keller
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
this just has baby written all over it
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
