Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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