just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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