why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
