Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
