Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize
