That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
