Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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