I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
