Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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