We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
