I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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