the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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