It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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