just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Randomize
