he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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