this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Randomize
