Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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