So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
