I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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